I made a big decision yesterday. It wasn't spur of the moment. It's something I've thought about a lot over the past year and yesterday it just finally felt right. So I got on my computer and applied to SLCC for the fall semester. I want to get an AS degree in English and then move on to a University for my bachelors and graduate studies.
I've been trying to decide what to do with myself ever since Ian started first grade. He is in second grade now. Do I get a job? Go to school? Write more books and pray for success? Or should I keep doing foster care and adopt more children? I was leaning heavily towards the school end of things when my sister suffered her stroke at the beginning of January. Suddenly all thoughts of myself went out the window and CoCo became the only thing that mattered. But that has changed now too. CoCo's husband, Clay, came up last Friday and took her home with him to Monticello.
I must admit that I have very mixed feelings about this. I feel very protective towards my sister and having her leave my care was really hard. She's doing very well. She is walking and is regaining the use of her right arm. She performs all self-care tasks unassisted and even her speech and communication skills are improving. She got to the point where she was even doing laundry and dishes. The problem was that she was smack in the middle of her therapies. I was hoping she would stay long enough to finish those, especially the speech therapy, but she and Clay were tired of being apart. And I can understand that. I worry about her though. She doesn't have any family support in Monticello. It's just her and Clay.
After CoCo left, I spent several days not knowing what to do with myself. I suddenly had a lot of time on my hands and a lot of thoughts on my mind. I realized that a good portion of my life has been spent in the service of others, from my own kids and husband, to extended family, to foster children and their families. I'm a caregiver. It's what I do and what I know how to do. Stepping out of that role and into another is a scary prospect for me. But it's time for something different.
I've always wanted a college education and I'm finally in a position to take advantage of that opportunity. Besides, getting a degree in English will help me be a better writer and that in turn will aid me in my goal of someday being a published author. To quote Rafiki from The Lion King, "It is time!"
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Strength of a Family
Big changes are coming to my household, much sooner than I ever anticipated. On February 18, CoCo is being released from the hospital and is moving in with me and my family. This requires a lot of preparation. She needs to be upstairs and that means moving Ian out of his room to the downstairs. We are going to turn our downstairs office into a bedroom, move Tawni in there and move Ian into Tawni's current room, which I need to paint because Ian won't want to be surrounded by lavender and green stripes. We need to install a door for the office/bedroom and paint it also. In addition to the room juggling, I need to make sure my house is wheelchair/handicap accessible. We need to get some bars for the shower and bathroom, a shower seat, a handheld shower head, a stair gate, and anything else the therapists tell me I need when they come to do a home assessment next Tuesday.
Luckily my sister has medicaid but once she leaves the hospital the benefits decrease significantly. They won't even pay for outpatient speech therapy. CoCo's speech therapist has applied for a grant to help with that and hopefully it will be approved. Medicaid will pay for 8-10 outpatient physical therapy sessions and that's it. We are more than blessed to have a sister-in-law who just happens to be a rehab-therapist and is trying to set things up so that she can work with CoCo pro-bono once the benefits run out. Thank you Peter for marrying Jenn and leaving sunny California for our cold and bitter winter climate!
I met with the social worker yesterday assigned to CoCo's case and we discussed in length the responsibilities of a caregiver. This is a role that I seem to find myself in over and over again. But never to this degree. This is full-time in my own home. It completely changes all of our home and family dynamics. If I'm to be honest, I will admit that I'm scared nigh unto death.
There have been times in my life when I've had to rely solely on the Lord for strength. This is one of those times. I crave time with the Book of Mormon. I find so much peace, love, and wisdom in its pages, along with a strong desire to do better, to give more. And with that desire comes the strength to do so. Every morning I'm on my knees, giving thanks and petitioning for more help. Throughout the day my thoughts are like a constant prayer, keeping the connection open in case of an emergency. I need my Savior by my side because He is where I find the most help.
This experience is teaching me many things; compassion, love, patience, forgiveness, humility... One of my most difficult lessons is learning to ask others for assistance. When trials strike, I tend to hunker down and ride it out, by myself. I can't do that this time. I need help from my family and friends. Peter and Jenn are a huge help, even offering to take CoCo at night or on weekends or whenever they can. I feel very protective towards my sister and I want her with me, but I will never turn away an offer of help such as Peter and Jenn are willing to give. Lori may not live in the same state, but her support and love never end. She sends clothing up that CoCo needs. She acts as an advocate for all of us, talking with the hospital staff and researching, offering knowledge and help however she can. She's only a phone call away and is more than willing to listen to a tired sister unload.
On Wednesday it was CoCo's 49th birthday. I arranged a party that evening for her and invited the family members. All of her children came. It was so wonderful to see the sweet way they interact with their mom. They are young, with jobs and school, and new families, but when they take time out of their busy schedules and devote it to their mother, everyone is blessed. Every effort they make is greatly appreciated. Not only were the kids there, but Peter and Jenn came too. They brought a computer and through Skype, CoCo was able to talk with Lori in California, and our brother, Andy and his family in North Carolina. It was a wonderful night and my sweet sister glowed with the love of her family. And that one word--family--is what this all seems to be about. I don't believe our families were selected in heaven by a random drawing. I think Heavenly Father helped us to form relationships with those that he knew would help and love each other in any circumstance. And then He sent us here together to give it a shot. I am very grateful for the members of my family. My husband, kids, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, in-laws... the list keeps going... in one eternal round.
Luckily my sister has medicaid but once she leaves the hospital the benefits decrease significantly. They won't even pay for outpatient speech therapy. CoCo's speech therapist has applied for a grant to help with that and hopefully it will be approved. Medicaid will pay for 8-10 outpatient physical therapy sessions and that's it. We are more than blessed to have a sister-in-law who just happens to be a rehab-therapist and is trying to set things up so that she can work with CoCo pro-bono once the benefits run out. Thank you Peter for marrying Jenn and leaving sunny California for our cold and bitter winter climate!
I met with the social worker yesterday assigned to CoCo's case and we discussed in length the responsibilities of a caregiver. This is a role that I seem to find myself in over and over again. But never to this degree. This is full-time in my own home. It completely changes all of our home and family dynamics. If I'm to be honest, I will admit that I'm scared nigh unto death.
There have been times in my life when I've had to rely solely on the Lord for strength. This is one of those times. I crave time with the Book of Mormon. I find so much peace, love, and wisdom in its pages, along with a strong desire to do better, to give more. And with that desire comes the strength to do so. Every morning I'm on my knees, giving thanks and petitioning for more help. Throughout the day my thoughts are like a constant prayer, keeping the connection open in case of an emergency. I need my Savior by my side because He is where I find the most help.
This experience is teaching me many things; compassion, love, patience, forgiveness, humility... One of my most difficult lessons is learning to ask others for assistance. When trials strike, I tend to hunker down and ride it out, by myself. I can't do that this time. I need help from my family and friends. Peter and Jenn are a huge help, even offering to take CoCo at night or on weekends or whenever they can. I feel very protective towards my sister and I want her with me, but I will never turn away an offer of help such as Peter and Jenn are willing to give. Lori may not live in the same state, but her support and love never end. She sends clothing up that CoCo needs. She acts as an advocate for all of us, talking with the hospital staff and researching, offering knowledge and help however she can. She's only a phone call away and is more than willing to listen to a tired sister unload.
On Wednesday it was CoCo's 49th birthday. I arranged a party that evening for her and invited the family members. All of her children came. It was so wonderful to see the sweet way they interact with their mom. They are young, with jobs and school, and new families, but when they take time out of their busy schedules and devote it to their mother, everyone is blessed. Every effort they make is greatly appreciated. Not only were the kids there, but Peter and Jenn came too. They brought a computer and through Skype, CoCo was able to talk with Lori in California, and our brother, Andy and his family in North Carolina. It was a wonderful night and my sweet sister glowed with the love of her family. And that one word--family--is what this all seems to be about. I don't believe our families were selected in heaven by a random drawing. I think Heavenly Father helped us to form relationships with those that he knew would help and love each other in any circumstance. And then He sent us here together to give it a shot. I am very grateful for the members of my family. My husband, kids, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, in-laws... the list keeps going... in one eternal round.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
CoCo
I know that my other blog is the preferred reading blog of my friends and family, but this one, unlike the other, is about me and what I'm thinking and feeling. It's not really about my kids and the crazy things they do, it's more an outlet for my emotions, good or bad. Sometimes I feel a bit of guilt if I don't have anything positive to write about. I figure people need uplifting things to read, so why should I bring them down if I'm feeling depressed?
I forget that it's my blog.
Something took place in our family several weeks ago that changed my life and that of many people around me. I've been hesitant to write about it because it feels extremely personal, and I tend to protect those things that are dear or personal. When writing about them, a person runs the risk of cheapening the experiences, at least in my perspective. But I've decided it's a risk I'll take. I need to write about this so that I can unburden my mind and my heart, because day after day, more pain, more love, more despair, and more hope are heaped upon it.
On January 6, of this year, my big sister, Cori to many--CoCo to me, suffered a stroke. She's only 48 years old. She was living in Monticello at the time. She was brought by ambulance to the University of Utah medical center. She spent the next week in the Neuro Acute Unit, trying to come to grips with what happened to her. The doctors discovered a blood clot in the cerebral artery that had blocked the blood flow to her brain. Two-thirds of her left brain tissue is now dead. She cannot form her thoughts into words, she struggles to get one word out at a time, only to discover it's not the word she wanted. Her right arm is paralyzed and so was her right leg. She now has some movement in the leg and responds to stimuli, so we have hope. She cannot dress herself, or bathe or use the bathroom without assistance. And to top it all off, she developed a blood infection and is now on long-term antibiotics.Ten days ago she was moved to the inpatient rehab unit, and the gruelling grind of therapy began.
My heart is so heavy for her. She has not had an easy life and the unfairness of this situation has hit me hard. Why her?
My sweet sister and I have had our difference in the past. As have her husband and I. But when this happened, all animosity went out the window. On all our parts. Clay and I have sat together and talked. We know that nothing will ever be the same. He knows that he needs the help and support of family. He is currently looking for a job and a place to live in Sandy or Draper so that he can be close to us. We both realized that if we were going to care for CoCo, contention could not exist. And with that realization, the hard feelings simply disappeared. They just do not matter anymore. The only thing that matters, is my sister.
I spend about five days a week with her and it's not because of any obligation I feel. I'm with her because it's where I want to be. Even with her limited speech, the more time I spend with her, the more I understand her. We actually talk. Through hand gestures, facial expressions, a few words, and expressive eyes, I know what it is she is trying to say. It's not easy, but it's possible. I also want to be with her so that I can learn from the nurses and doctors how best to care for her. There is a very real possibility that I will be one of her major caregivers on a long term basis. My brother, Peter, along with Clay, is right there with me. My other sister, Lori, was on an airplane from California right after she got the news about the stroke. She wasted no time in hurrying to CoCo's side, and she would still be here if she wasn't in the middle of school. She is seriously considering a move to Utah so that she can help also. We are all here for CoCo because we want to be here, not because we have to.
I cannot even begin to describe the amount of love I feel for my big sister. I would do anything for her. On the days when I can't make it to the hospital, I think about her, constantly. There is never a moment when she's not on my mind or in my heart. But even though the love is strong, I still feel quite empty. This experience is taking a lot out of me and I often feel alone--lonely. My husband and children are sacrificing a lot themselves so that I can be with CoCo. But right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Just last night I went to the hospital. I arrived around six-thirty, later than usual. CoCo was alone in her room, crying. When she saw me she reached for me and I held her and we both cried. She was depressed and not feeling great. I helped her out of bed and into her wheelchair, and then we went for a walk, exploring the hospital. I think she needed a change of scenery, just a little pick-me-up after a hard day. After her walk, we went back to her room and I showed her the new clothes that Lori had bought and mailed. I organized them in the dresser drawers and then straightened up the room. CoCo is a very neat person and this seemed to cheer her up quite a bit. After that I got her some ice chips which she loves. It's the only thing she's allowed to eat right now because her swallowing reflex is too weak for food. She has a feeding tube instead. We talked for a bit and then I helped settle her in bed and we watched T.V. together for an hour. I like to stay with her until she falls asleep so that she sees me right before closing her eyes. I don't know who it helps more--me or her?
My emotions right now are very close to the surface. It doesn't take much to make me cry. My bucket empties rather quickly and I find that the best ways to fill it are with funny sitcoms, a date with my hubby, a talk with my best friend, and time with my Book of Mormon and on my knees. My life over the past several weeks became much more complicated and therefore simple out of necessity.
Today I was feeling particularly depressed, which is what prompted me to finally write about all this. I think that by simply acknowledging this emotion, it's helped to make it better--not gone, but better.
I forget that it's my blog.
Something took place in our family several weeks ago that changed my life and that of many people around me. I've been hesitant to write about it because it feels extremely personal, and I tend to protect those things that are dear or personal. When writing about them, a person runs the risk of cheapening the experiences, at least in my perspective. But I've decided it's a risk I'll take. I need to write about this so that I can unburden my mind and my heart, because day after day, more pain, more love, more despair, and more hope are heaped upon it.
On January 6, of this year, my big sister, Cori to many--CoCo to me, suffered a stroke. She's only 48 years old. She was living in Monticello at the time. She was brought by ambulance to the University of Utah medical center. She spent the next week in the Neuro Acute Unit, trying to come to grips with what happened to her. The doctors discovered a blood clot in the cerebral artery that had blocked the blood flow to her brain. Two-thirds of her left brain tissue is now dead. She cannot form her thoughts into words, she struggles to get one word out at a time, only to discover it's not the word she wanted. Her right arm is paralyzed and so was her right leg. She now has some movement in the leg and responds to stimuli, so we have hope. She cannot dress herself, or bathe or use the bathroom without assistance. And to top it all off, she developed a blood infection and is now on long-term antibiotics.Ten days ago she was moved to the inpatient rehab unit, and the gruelling grind of therapy began.
My heart is so heavy for her. She has not had an easy life and the unfairness of this situation has hit me hard. Why her?
My sweet sister and I have had our difference in the past. As have her husband and I. But when this happened, all animosity went out the window. On all our parts. Clay and I have sat together and talked. We know that nothing will ever be the same. He knows that he needs the help and support of family. He is currently looking for a job and a place to live in Sandy or Draper so that he can be close to us. We both realized that if we were going to care for CoCo, contention could not exist. And with that realization, the hard feelings simply disappeared. They just do not matter anymore. The only thing that matters, is my sister.
I spend about five days a week with her and it's not because of any obligation I feel. I'm with her because it's where I want to be. Even with her limited speech, the more time I spend with her, the more I understand her. We actually talk. Through hand gestures, facial expressions, a few words, and expressive eyes, I know what it is she is trying to say. It's not easy, but it's possible. I also want to be with her so that I can learn from the nurses and doctors how best to care for her. There is a very real possibility that I will be one of her major caregivers on a long term basis. My brother, Peter, along with Clay, is right there with me. My other sister, Lori, was on an airplane from California right after she got the news about the stroke. She wasted no time in hurrying to CoCo's side, and she would still be here if she wasn't in the middle of school. She is seriously considering a move to Utah so that she can help also. We are all here for CoCo because we want to be here, not because we have to.
I cannot even begin to describe the amount of love I feel for my big sister. I would do anything for her. On the days when I can't make it to the hospital, I think about her, constantly. There is never a moment when she's not on my mind or in my heart. But even though the love is strong, I still feel quite empty. This experience is taking a lot out of me and I often feel alone--lonely. My husband and children are sacrificing a lot themselves so that I can be with CoCo. But right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Just last night I went to the hospital. I arrived around six-thirty, later than usual. CoCo was alone in her room, crying. When she saw me she reached for me and I held her and we both cried. She was depressed and not feeling great. I helped her out of bed and into her wheelchair, and then we went for a walk, exploring the hospital. I think she needed a change of scenery, just a little pick-me-up after a hard day. After her walk, we went back to her room and I showed her the new clothes that Lori had bought and mailed. I organized them in the dresser drawers and then straightened up the room. CoCo is a very neat person and this seemed to cheer her up quite a bit. After that I got her some ice chips which she loves. It's the only thing she's allowed to eat right now because her swallowing reflex is too weak for food. She has a feeding tube instead. We talked for a bit and then I helped settle her in bed and we watched T.V. together for an hour. I like to stay with her until she falls asleep so that she sees me right before closing her eyes. I don't know who it helps more--me or her?
My emotions right now are very close to the surface. It doesn't take much to make me cry. My bucket empties rather quickly and I find that the best ways to fill it are with funny sitcoms, a date with my hubby, a talk with my best friend, and time with my Book of Mormon and on my knees. My life over the past several weeks became much more complicated and therefore simple out of necessity.
Today I was feeling particularly depressed, which is what prompted me to finally write about all this. I think that by simply acknowledging this emotion, it's helped to make it better--not gone, but better.
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